It’s been a busy week.

I’ve had meetings with colleagues. Last night I went to a brilliant comedy gig, and tomorrow I’ll have coffee with a friend. All sounds fairly normal, right? 

You wouldn’t think, from that description, I have panic disorder and agoraphobia, which has meant that I’ve been housebound since March 2020.

Since then, I’ve not been beyond the end of my street, and most days find me staying inside the home that I share with my mum, dad and terrier, Mavis. 

But I’m determined that it won’t stop me living a full, happy life. 

I’ve been living with panic disorder since I was 15.

It began when I was at school. One day in class it just hit me, this fear of losing control, of not being able to escape from somewhere, and feeling the need to run away from impending doom. 

It took over the next few months of my life. I became afraid of going to school, using every opportunity to stay off sick on the sofa, where I felt safe. If I could be coaxed out, I experienced white-knuckled bus rides to town.

I went to the doctor’s, received counselling, and still, no one knew what was wrong. 

Then, miraculously, for no obvious reason, one day, my worries and fears started to ease. 

My condition is something that has fluctuated for me over the last 10 years. There have been periods of my life where I’ve felt relatively ‘normal’, where I could get on with my day and not even think about it. This could last for weeks, months or years.

But in January 2019, I had a debilitating panic attack while I was studying for a drama degree in Liverpool. I’d had them before, but this one was monumental. I genuinely thought I was going to die, or worse, be trapped in this feeling of panic forever. 

After this, my world became smaller and smaller, until I could barely leave my house for fear of having a panic attack. 

Just thinking about venturing beyond the end of my street could trigger feelings of panic

Over the following few months, I made some progress. I couldn’t finish my degree, but I managed to get a part-time job in a local theatre. I also started taking antidepressants and making small strides in my career as a director and theatre maker. 

But just as I started to feel more in control – plot twist – the pandemic happened. 

Now the one thing I wanted to do, stay home, became mandatory. Meetings became virtual, events were being held online and many a Zoom mate date was had. 

After a brief spell of being furloughed, I had to leave my job, but this allowed me time to think about my career. I rediscovered my love of writing, and by summer 2020, I’d received a grant from the Arts Council of NI, and was starting to forge a writing career, something that I had dreamed about as a teenager. 

I made so many new friends, meeting people on Twitter and Instagram, some I now consider to be my closest friends. 

I’ve also solidified lots of other friendships. Being in this situation really shows you who is willing to make the effort to stay in touch, and for these people I will be eternally grateful. 

Despite the fact I was confined to my house, I had never felt less alone. 

I was worried, initially, that when lockdown restrictions ended, so would people’s compassion. Would I get left behind? Would events that had been moved online now be back to in-person only? How would this affect my relationships and career? 

Because I knew I couldn’t just return to the world the way most people were. In January 2021, I had a consultation with a psychologist who quickly concluded that I did have panic disorder and depression. Although this is something I knew deep down, to get confirmation was extremely validating. 

And after spending so long indoors,  just thinking about venturing beyond the end of my street could trigger feelings of panic. Which, when they’re bad, they’re really bad. It can also be utterly exhausting, as my body is constantly in a state of fight or flight. What was I going to do? 

I needn’t have worried though. I have a loyal band of friends and barely a day goes by when I don’t have an in-person visit or a zoom call with a friend or colleague. I am incredibly lucky that those who love me make the effort to show. 

I also am lucky to work with a range of people, from individuals to companies, who always try their best to make sure I am included, from video calling into rehearsal rooms, to receiving recordings of my work to watch and share. 

Now I’m a freelancer, writing for Northern Irish theatre companies and radio, including BBC Radio 4. But no matter who I’m writing for, I try to keep inclusion at the heart of it, especially when it comes to telling stories that feel relevant to me as a plus-size, queer and disabled person. 

My latest full-length play is about someone living with panic disorder and agoraphobia, and if it were to be produced, I think it would go a long way to help dispel the myths that surround these misunderstood and underrepresented issues. 

Despite what people may assume, our lives are just messy, funny, and occasionally strange as anyone else’s. They might look slightly different to what most consider to be the ‘norm,’ but that doesn’t make them any less valid. 

At present, I’m currently trying to figure out my next steps in my recovery, what therapy would be most beneficial, and how to access and fund it. 

I’ve started to go for short walks to the end of my street and back, but it takes a lot of mental effort to do this. As soon as I leave my house, there’s an overwhelming feeling to just run back in again, and I need to learn and unpack why my body reacts so viscerally to something I know is such a simple and safe action.

I also am aware that, after three years, I need to build my physical strength back up, and this is something I am committed to this year. I have fallen in love with yoga, which not only benefits me physically, but mentally also. These moments of stillness and calm where it’s just me and the mat are a welcome relief.

The prospect of ‘getting better’ is exciting, but I can’t lie about being scared. What if I don’t like it? What if I realise I’m happier as I am now? What if I have another panic attack, am I back to square one again?

But I know that whatever happens, I have people to talk to, who love and support me no matter what. 

Professionally I am working on several projects across stage and screen, all the while trying to tell the stories that matter to me. I want to show people that although living life with this disorder can be frightening and isolating, I am not suffering or surviving with panic disorder. I am living with it. 

I know one day my world will stretch far beyond my front door. But for now, I am trying my best to live as full a life as I can, one that is filled with love, laughter and ultimately hope.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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